By Dr. Kneale © August 2018
Have you ever found yourself getting up in the morning with thoughts like…
“Today is going to be frantic. Nothing is going to go right.”
Brushing your teeth looking in the mirror, thoughts just pop into your head like…
“I look pail. My eyes don’t look rested. You better hurry…you have a lot to do!”
Then you jump into your busy day.
How was your day? Was it frantic? Waiting for something not to go right. Felt unrested and rushed all day long. Just not enough time to fit in everything.
The above scenario was how I started my day often. I also noticed that my 12 year old daughter was creating some of her own negative self-talk.
She verbally repeated every day:
I am not smart.
Nobody likes me.
I am weird.
I am too tall.
I am not good enough.
That is when I had my “Aha” moment. My day was determined by how I started it.
Follow the steps below to shift your thinking:
1) Change what you are saying to yourself
Think of the exact opposite or a more positive way of thinking. Construct positive powerful words that replace negative thoughts. I wrote a list of negative things I repeatedly thought and wrote next to it what I would say instead. I did this with my daughter too.
I found that if my opposite thought was weak, that it did not work as well or took longer. For instance, concerning my hair. I used to say that it was ugly and dry. I started to say it was ok. “Ok” is just not good enough. It is a weak word. I changed it to “I love my hair”.
When a negative thought came up, I would say out-loud (or if in a crowd I would whisper it to myself) the positive, opposite words.
Your list could go on your computer or phone so you have it with you when needed. We wrote a positive thought on our bathroom mirror so it was the first thought of the day. If you have a large list (like I did) just start with one and work on it. Here is an example of what your list could look like:
I am not smart ⇒ I am brilliant
Nobody likes me ⇒ I am lovable and likable
I am too tall ⇒ I love being tall
I do not have enough time ⇒ I have plenty of time to get everything done
My hair is dull and ugly ⇒ My hair is beautiful
I am not good enough ⇒ I am always enough, I am more than enough
2) Repetition to make a permanent change
It’s not going to change overnight. If you wanted to get fit you would not exercise just one day. It takes some repetition to change our behavior.
I found in the beginning when I would say the opposite that it felt like it was a bit like work. It also felt unnatural to keep repeating positive thoughts that I deep down did not think were actually true. I did feel that there was not enough time and that my hair was ugly (and many others). But, after some time I noticed that my mind started to believe what I was telling it.
We have been working on it now for about a year and the changes have been amazing! I get compliments on my hair often. I rarely feel hurried and rushed. My daughter feels that being “weird” is something to be proud of. She has made new friends and feels that she is likable. These steps boosted her self-esteem at a critical age of 12.
My daughter just caught me saying that we needed to hurry (just a habit from over 20 years that I am working on). Ava calmly replied, “Mom, we will get there on time if not early.” Guess what? We got to our meeting a few minutes early without the added stress!
3) Add to your list and keep at it
After correcting what I thought was my full list of negative self-talk, others began to surface. So, I countered with strong, positive, and powerful words.
It may feel odd at first, to say or think what you may not be feeling, but your mind will change with repetition.
Start changing your inner dialog to what you really want rather than what your negative self-criticizer is saying.